Lil Wooly,

You don't know it, because you aren't born yet, but your mommy and and daddy LOVE the Olympic Games.  We are ate up with it.  We watch as much as we can.  You will be three before the next Winter Olympics are held in 2014 in Sochi, Russia  but I hope very much that you enjoy watching them with your mom and dad when the time comes.  I hope you enjoy them always.   I hope you love them, in fact.  I hope you LOVE the Winter Olympics!  Because you will never, ever be allowed to participate in the Winter Olympics.  You can do anything else in the world that you like.  Set your goals as high as you can, and we will stand behind you.  No matter what.  But you cannot be a Winter Olympian.

Not because the Arkansas environment would make it exceedingly difficult.  Although it would.  And not because your parents didn't pass to you sufficient athletic prowess and coordination to succeed at that elite level.  Although we didn't.  No, the reason you cannot become a Winter Olympian is simply because mean old mom and dad just will not allow it.  Simple as that.  Entirely too dangerous.


Rest assured, I'll repeat this once you make your debut, and probably a few times after that, but I'd like to go ahead and lay out a few ground rules for your time on the wonderful planet that you don't yet know is called Earth.  I promise I'll be a cool dad and I assure you there are plenty of DOs in your future, especially if antagonizing your mom is concerned, but I do feel compelled to give you a couple of  DON'Ts here to start.

DON'T, under any circumstances, strap planks to your feet and propel yourself down a mountain.  If you are walking along innocently on top of a mountain and stumble on to two planks that take off down the slope of their own volition, you are not to see just how fast you can go.  If somehow you are propelled into the air while upon those planks, you should turn your attention to getting safely back on the ground.  The number of flips or spins you can complete while in the air should not enter your mind.  And God forbid, if you happen to be, as the kids say, "strapped" when this highly unlikely plank-strumbling scenario plays out,  don't even think about trying to make a game out of it.

If you think ice is any better than snow, you're wrong.  DON'T, under any circumstances, affix sharp blades of steel to the bottom of your shoes and try to gallivant around a surface whose soul mission is to make you fall.  If you are having a picnic in the middle of winter next to a frozen pond and somehow accidentally superglue two knives onto the bottom of your sneakers, don't go anywhere near the ice.  You are not to see how fast you can go.  Or how perfect of a figure eight you can make.  Also, fight the urge to start naming things with ridiculous names like Lutz and Salchow.   And if taking a stick and swatting at the hard, dried-out brownie from the picnic basket seems like a good idea, it's not.  That's when someone else with knife-shoes comes out of nowhere and checks you hard into the boards.  Then they beat the shit out of you.  If you stayed at home and watched the Winter Olympics with your dear old mom and dad instead of going out with your significant other on a romantic arctic rendezvous, you'd know that. 

There aren't very many sports that aren't ruled out by my two previous DON'Ts, but there are some.  When you get a little older, you'll learn about the consequences of taking a vehicle out for a spin without permission.  You're not wondering yet, but this applies to bobsleds, luges, and skeleton sleds as well.  And do you really think, Lil Wooly, that your mom or dad will sign off on you hopping like Bo Duke into the back of a canoe on rails just before it plummets down a twisting, turning frozen water slide?  Of course you don't. 

So there you have it.  Your first encounter with the heavy hand of Big Wooly Law.  If you feel cheated out of your Olympic career before it could even take off, don't feel bad.  There is another variety of Olympic Games held, and instead of prohibiting your participation, here your father will actually encourage and even push you toward greatness.  Sure, the Math Olympics may not be as sexy as the Winter Games, but mathletes have their groupies, too.  You'll see.

Talk to you soon.

Algebraically yours,




Big Wooly